Top Ten Things to Do When You Are Sick and Cranky


10.  Sleep, the sovereign remedy, morning, noon and night.  Disregard weird dreams or keep them to yourself.

9.  Resolve to clean the toilet when you feel better.

8.  Resolve to clean the bathroom floor before you feel better.

7.  Heat a can of chicken broth with no seasonings in the microwave.  Ingest.  Repeat.

6.  Send someone to get you Walgreen's knock-offs of NyQuil and DayQuil and a half dozen boxes of tissues with aloe vera.  Resolve to empty the wastebaskets next year.

5.  Chug  EmergenC: fizz fizz.  Gives you the illusion of taking action to improve the situation. (Avoid the tropical flavor, stick to orange--trust me on this.)

4.  Cancel your appointments without apology.  They can tell from the sound of your voice they don't want you within a mile.

3.  Follow Facebook on your I-phone where you can't answer back because you're too tired and/or stupid to deal with the tiny keys.  You are too cranky, anyway, and sooner or later you'll recover and be sorry.

2.  By the time you are bored but too sick still to go anywhere, try reading or cutting pictures out of magazines--if you have any of these intellectual property delivery systems left in your possession.

1.  Watch the Presidential debates and yell at the television.  Pray for a better life.